Doggystyle, by Snoop Dogg
Suggested by Krystian Muzstafa
The Continuing Adventures of Snoop Dogg: Snoop Dogg Goes Shopping.
One morning, Snoop Dogg discovered that he’d run out of drugs.
“Oh no,” said Snoop Dogg. “I’d best call my dealer. Fo’ shizzle.”
Snoop Dogg called his dealer, who went straight to Snoop Dogg’s house. “I’ve brought you some blunts,” Snoop Dogg’s Dealer said.
Snoop Dogg fired one up. Grinning, he handed over payment.
“Thanks, G,” said Snoop Dogg’s Dealer.
“Thanks who?” snarled Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg’s Dealer rolled his eyes.
“Thanks Snoop Dogg,” said Snoop Dog’s Dealer.
“Damn straight,” said Snoop Dogg.
(This is my second Snoop Dogg album of the project. I did not warm to the first, 2002’s Tha Last Meal. Doggystyle, Snoop Dogg’s 1993 debut, seems packed with the same things that turned me off his later work. It’s full of sexual braggadocio, narcotic misuse, and constant repetition of his own name. Again, this comes with the territory. Standard Rap fare. Gangster rhymes over funky summer sounds… is it successful this time out?)
That afternoon, high as a kite, Snoop Dogg discovered that he needed sex.
“Aw yeah,” said Snoop Dogg. “I’d best call my bitches. Fo’ shizzle ma nizzle.”
Snoop Dogg called a variety of his bitches, and they visited Snoop Dogg’s house. Snoop Dogg and his bitches played games and had fun for over an hour, before Snoop Dogg told his bitches to leave.
“Thanks, baby,” said one of Snoop Dogg’s Bitches, as she left.
“Thanks who?” barked Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg’s Bitch rolled her eyes.
“Thanks Snoop Dogg,” said Snoop Dogg’s Bitch.
“Dee-Oh-Double-Gee,” said Snoop Dogg.
(Surprisingly, it is a success, albeit a marginal one. Snoop sounds fresher here, more engaged, full of a vim that appears to have been smoked away by album five. The songs, and rhymes, feel faster and more immediate. It’s more authentic, somehow, albeit with the caveat that Snoop Dogg always sounds as if he’s having too much fun to be truly Gangster. My favourite track is Who Am I? (What’s My Name?), for obvious reasons. I respect that Snoop Dogg leans into this trope with gusto.)
That evening, full of sex and drugs, Snoop Dogg decided to do some crime.
“Looks like rain,” said Snoop Dogg, loading his gun and donning a balaclava. “This ski mask will keep off the drizzle, fo’ shizzle ma nizzle-bizzle.”
Snoop Dogg robbed a sweetshop, stealing some Lucozade and a Toblerone. As he left the shop, a policeman arrived! Snoop Dogg hid behind a bin, listening as the policeman spoke to the shopkeeper.
“Would you recognise the robber?” asked the policeman, taking notes.
“No,” said the shopkeeper. “He was wearing a balaclava.”
“Pity,” said the policeman. “We may never know the culprit.”
“Never know who?” growled Snoop Dogg, standing up and taking off his balaclava.
“It’s Snoop Dogg!” said the policeman. “You’re under arrest.”
“Ess-to-the-Enn-to-the-Oh-Oh-Pee!” said Snoop Dogg, taking a stout truncheon to the testes.
(Nice work, Snoop Dogg. 6/10.)